try it like this, not like that

I just completed a parent survey for a local autism group and it made me start thinking a lot about how people (usually strangers but sometimes acquaintances) react when then find out that Alden has autism.

• The "I am SO sorry." person.

Why are you sorry? All I can figure is that these people think they are being nice by feeling sorry for him? Or are they saying they are sorry for ME for having to "deal with it"? Either way I find it off-putting.

I AM SO SORRY that your child is different! Really? Because I'm not. I wish he didn't struggle with socialization but I bet you wish your kid didn't struggle in math, or sports, or whatever they don't excel at. I don't really see his autism as a handicap. He's healthy, he's happy, and he's probably smarter than you and I could ever hope to be. I worry about him like the mother of a neurotypical (that's "normal" for you laymen) child worries about her kid, no more, no less.

• The "He has autism? I couldn't even tell!!!" person.

First off thank you, he has worked his ass off to get to that point!

You couldn't even tell? Well how about that! I am NOT going to act like Alden hasn't progressed to the point where his diagnosis could be in danger if they change the Diagnostic Criteria, he has. He's excelling like crazy in all areas right now and he's getting close to being caught up with his neurotypical peers.

Here is reason #1 that this bothers me. You can't tell because you don't know what to look for. He doesn't wear a sign that says "I HAVE PDD-NOS!" He does however flap his arms, not respond to YOUR questions until *I* repeat them to him, and he doesn't make eye contact. You don't know he has autism because you don't know what to look for.

Reason #2 this bothers me is because when Alden was a lot lower functioning when he was younger not ONE person who didn't know his diagnosis EVER said "Oh, does he have autism?" or "I understand what you are going through". They said "Can't you control your kid?' , "What is his problem?", or "Nothing a spanking wouldn't fix". This was back when you assume that you would have been able to tell, but there's a 98% chance unless you KNOW what to look for that you would have thought he was just another bratty kid.

I'm not BLAMING these people, I'm saying it bothers me. People DON'T know what to look for. They think of Rainman, they think of kids staring into space not even in contact with this world. They don't understand what autism is because they don't deal with it. They "have a cousin who's little boy has it too" and that is the extent of their knowledge.

• The "what medication is he on" people.

To me, these are the worst. Not only are they assuming that he's medicated because he's acting "normal" but they also assume that I'm like the hoards of others who drug their kids into oblivion to get them to sit down and shut up. I'm not. I'm not saying that he will never need medication, I am not saying that people who medicate their children are evil, and I'm not saying that some people don't need to be medicated. I'm disgusted that we live in a nation where the first thing people assume is that "we throw pills at it to make it go away".

As I said before I don't blame these people, they just don't get it. Part of the problem is that people are uneducated about autism. Something needs to fix that.

When you find out my child has autism ask me questions about it. How old was he when we found out? What is he doing right now that would tip a person who is familiar with it off? Educate yourself, don't feel sorry for us. We are fine, we are happy, and we don't know any different.

oh brother

Facebook statuses are typically stupid & nothing to get annoyed about but this one irked me a bit.

My wish for 2010 is that people will understand that children with disabilities do not have a disease; children with disabilities are not looking for a cure but ACCEPTANCE........93% of people won't copy and paste this, WILL YOU be one of the 7% that does............... and make this your status for at least an hour and 12 minutes.

First off, some children with diseases ARE disabled, and some children with disabilities do suffer from diseases, so that statement is a bit broad.

"Children with disabilities are not looking for a cure?"

Anyone want to tell that to the people working their asses off to find help for these kids? Or the parents who are spending thousands of dollars to recover their children? I wouldn't want to be the one to do it. The children aren't looking for a cure! Who knew?

They are searching for acceptance? That's crazy! You mean to tell me that disabled people are like everyone else and want to be accepted?

The rest of the status speaks for itself, some stupid stats someone pulled out of their ass.

won't you please, please, help me?

It makes me sad that the autism community is so divided. I realize that each side has their opinions and theories to back it up, but I think a lot of the time the mudslinging gets in the way of helping the kids. The main problem being, parents can't get help because their pediatrician is on Team A but they are leaning toward Team B. I think that pediatricians should listen to parents, and address their concerns. If they want their child tested for something, the doctor should run the test, why do they care if the parents waste their money on 'crazy theories'? In the end if it helps the child then that's wonderful, if it doesn't then the doctor has done what they can to appease the parents and they can say "I told you so" and go about their day. What is the harm in that? Seriously, if anyone knows what these doctors are so afraid of then please tell me.

I hate Holland (the poem not the place)

There is a poem that at some point in your life someone will give you if you have a special needs child. It's called Welcome to Holland. I hate this poem, and not because it doesn't rhyme or use iambic pentameter. I hate this poem because people assume everyone with a special needs child feels this way...and I just don't. Maybe it's because Alden is high functioning, maybe it's because I'm insanely optimistic about his future, maybe I just don't "get it", I'm not sure, but I know that right now I hate that poem.

To me this poem says "I ordered a perfect child & I didn't get it, so I'll settle for this one because I have no other choice & I'll always be slightly bitter toward people with perfect children".

I NEVER expected a perfect child, all I cared about was that he was healthy & happy. We are working on the healthy part right now, but I can assure you that my child is happy, in fact "happy" was one of the first words he relearned, and it's probably his most used word.

I hate that my son has autism, I really wish for his sake that he didn't. This is not about me, this is about him. I don't feel sorry for myself, I don't feel angry, I don't feel bitter and jealous of parents with neurotypical children. I'm happy for them, I'm sure their kids are great, but mine is too. My child has learned to communicate without speaking, and that is pretty incredible. Every single person in this world is different, I think people forget that sometimes. Those normal kids people are envying have ADD or asthma or allergies or something else. Maybe they don't have any physical ailments, maybe they have depression, anxiety or something else. The point is why would you expect something that doesn't exist?

If you build up this imaginary day in your head, you will be disappointed. You might imagine a romantic dinner and dancing, but on the way out the door you're going to step in gum in your new pair of Louboutins. So many people imagine the perfect wedding day but something, even the most tiny thing is GOING to go wrong. It's just a fact. For me it was that I was having an anxiety attack & they tried to steal my chair for a guest. Someone else spilled red wine all over their dress, someone else's beautiful candle lighting photo came out with them looking completely cross eyed. We expect these little things day to day, why don't we realize that there are going to be some in the big picture too and some of them are going to be major.

In conclusion, I don't look down on people who do feel this way about their children, I feel badly for them. I hope they realize that even if they are "in Holland" that at least they had a safe plane ride & landing. That's really enough for me.